31 WAYS TO TELL YOU'RE FROM CINCINNATI

CincyWhimsy likes to keep things positive. However, after reading today's dismal article on Buzzfeed: "31 Ways To Tell You're From Cincinnati," we decided to issue a cheeky, more accurate portrayal of Queen City natives.

The author, Paul Franke, a Twitter-proclaimed Cincinnatian, provided dated observances that echoed of someone who visited their cousin here. Once. In 2001. His credentials of "sitting by the pool and looking hot" as well as "joker/writer" have garnered him a low-ranking on Buzzfeed's funny scale. The user rating system, which is based on internet cat memes, ranked Franke a Grumpy Cat "NO."  We couldn't agree more.



31 WAYS TO TELL YOU'RE FROM CINCINNATI
(AN IMPROVED VERSION)


1.) You know how to correctly spell Servatii and Procter & Gamble.
 




2.) No matter how early you plan ahead, you never call quick enough to reserve one of the 250 spaces to annually tour the Cincinnati Subway.



 

3.) You get excited about giving blood at Great American Ball Park during Hoxworth's Reds Week.






4.) Goettafest is a four-day holiday weekend.






5.) The only reason you avoided driving through Over The Rhine was because the swell of 20,000 visitors to Washington Park spilled out onto four adjacent streets.






6.) You can't wait for Coffee Emporium to open an outpost in your part of town.






7.) You know that Smale Park rhymes with snail and is not pronounced smally.

 


8.) You wish Putz's Creamy Whip or The Cone stayed open year-round.





9.) You outgrew eating at Buffalo Wild Wings in college and now get scrumptious, award-winning wings at Knockback Nat's.




10.) You eat with your family at Montgomery Inn. You eat with your friends at Eli's BBQ.




11.) You don't think twice about driving from Ohio to Kentucky, then back to Ohio, then to Kentucky.




12.) You're a fan of the Reds not only because they play good baseball, but because they were the first professional baseball team in U.S. history. 



13.)  KungFood Chu's Amerasia has blown your mind with their quality Chinese food.





14.) It will all get better if you can make it past the Norwood Lateral during rush hour.




15.) Midpoint Music Festival is your Woodstock.







16.) Skyline is good, but your neighborhood mom-and-pop chili parlor is better.




17.) You're waiting for the East Side to come up with a catchy phrase to compete with "West Side is the Best Side."






18.) Belgian waffles are considered local fare.






19.) Crosstown rival games now encompass both basketball and roller derby.




20.) You know someone who's moved away to New York, Chicago, or Los Angeles only to return to Cincinnati for its livability and entrepreneurial opportunities.





21.) You know someone on a waiting list to get an apartment in Over The Rhine.




22.) A new microbrewery opens up every Friday.





23.) You go to The Banks to watch the Reds' Friday Night Fireworks in comfort and style.





24.) During Paddlefest, the Cardboard Boat Race, and Jimmy Buffett concerts, there are more people in the Ohio river than fish. 




25.) You visit the "Indian Strip" on Ludlow Avenue in Clifton for the area's largest concentration of curry options.




26.) You refer to Hamilton Avenue in Northside as the "Northside Taco District."





27.) You have a difficult time choosing which of the dozen Thai restaurants in Oakley to eat at.






28.) It's hard to describe 21C to visitors. Are you going to a hotel, contemporary art gallery, or swanky rooftop bar?






29.) You excitedly watch the redevelopment of Walnut Hills and Price Hill. 






30.) Artworks Murals are your personal game of Where's Waldo.








31.) You have to schedule yourself some alone time. Every weekend you're either at NOM, City Flea, Second Sunday on Main, Final Friday, First Friday, Second Saturday in Northside, or one of the countless other activities popping up in the tri-state.



79 comments:

  1. Three thumbs up on this. Well done!

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  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    1. Paul, although your 31 WAYS was not 100% accurate, it was definitely more humorous!

      This version does a good job of highlighting what's new in Cincy, but it comes across like an ad campaign!


      P.S. I think your #2 should have read:

      You want to FORGET that Jerry Springer was mayor of Cincinnati!

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  3. I grew up there, I have family there, while I have moved around a bit, I never found a better place.

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  4. I'm actually sad to see Paul Franke's comment removed because I'm dying to know his response to this much improved version. :-)

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    1. Paul Franke was polite and offered congratulations on the list. Makes us curious as to why he deleted his own comment.

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  5. Next time you bust on someone for misspelling names, you might want to figure out how to spell "Jimmy Buffett."

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    1. Kind of not the point, douche bag.

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  6. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  7. BUT WHAT DID PAUL FRANKE HAVE TO SAY?!

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  8. I am proud of this lil' rebuttal, Ms. Malott. Well done.

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  9. Thank you! I'm convinced the other list was not only a decade behind the times, but also written by a high schooler from the suburbs who is frightened to be downtown!

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  10. Much better than spoiled rich white pastor boys version. (Really? you included knowing what side of a city you are born in? As if other cities don't have east/west/north/south sides)

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  11. Excellent, excellent, wonderful.

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  12. WHAT DID PAUL FRANKE HAVE TO SAY IN THE COMMENT THAT WAS DELETED???????

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  13. Kudos to the list. Let me help with #17. "If you're not East you're least". OK, my heart is not really into it, I am an eastside lifer, but don't really care about the East/West debate. #27 Ruthai is the easy pick, and I would ding you for listing a Mt Lookout place as Oakley, but I LOVE the subtle humor in casting Hyde Park/Mt Lookout places as Oakley near, since Oakley has so long suffered from the "Hyde Park Near" moniker. Again, great list.

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    1. Years ago, an eastsider told me how the saying goes: "West side is the best side...East side is the least side." I laughed & agreed. I'm a westsider.

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  14. Such a great update to the Buzzfeed article. Way BETTER! Loved it.

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  15. But what about the casual racism? Is that a plus?

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  16. So much better. Write buzz feed and tell them FTFY

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  17. Eh... Didn't like it. Clearly this was from the perspective of a particular demographic. The rest of us must not be "real" Cincinnatians.

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    1. Or you're from Northern Kentucky. :)

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  18. Meh...moved to the Carolinas and don't regret it for a second.

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  19. That is tremendous! Wonder who was assigned the Buzzfeed list and phoned it in.

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  20. I feel as though you are listing 31 ways that you might be the author of this article... and live in Cincinnati

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    1. Yep. I thought the list sucked.

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  21. The artist for # 29 is apparently NOT from Cincinnati as he/she misspelled McMillan.

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  22. You'll know you are from Cincinnati as it becomes Detroit on the Ohio. Leadership totally corrupt and pathetically collectivist. Word of warning;if you love progressive politics, crony capitalism, deep corruption and high taxes, Cincinnati is your sewer

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    1. Exactly, oh don't forget the hot and cold running racism that hasn't subsided in decades.

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    2. I like that "progressive" is apparently a dirty word, now. No! No progress!

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  23. Did anybody think that the Buzzfeed article was not actually meant to be taken seriously? YOU KNOW, that it's a joke?

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  24. Cincinnati is lame. I'm never moving back.

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  25. A real Cincinnatian knows what a "Cozy Wing" is!

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  26. Wow. I didn't think it was possible to be less funny than the BuzzFeed edition, but you've blown them out of the water.

    Seriously: The BuzzFeed was lame. This just comes off as overly apologetic, defensive, and hipsterish.

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    1. I totally agree with the hipsterish.

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  27. So much better. Thanks for the update!

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  28. So much better. Thanks for the update!

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  29. The buzzfeed article clearly wasn't meant to be taken seriously, and it obviously applies to a different demographic, you know, the non-hipsters.

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  30. AWESOME! Much better. And this wasn't a hipster list. Please.

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    1. Yes it is hipster. Anytime you mention the northside its automatticly hipster.. But the hipsters own it so i guess more power to them.

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    2. Northside. Oops. I'm now a hipster. If I make a mention of a great restaurant in West Chester does that make me a suburbanite?

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  31. Midpoint is probably the worst thing about Cincinnati. It shows that we are a community of wannabes, desperate to maintain the clique-based status quo that made (some of) us feel important in high school.

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    1. I didn't realize that listening to live music made me a wannabe. Thanks for the clarification.

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  32. On number 11, don't forget INDIANA!!!

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  33. #18 : What the Hell are you talking about?! Stop making things up!

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    1. Apparently you don't know that there is a Belgian Waffle place at 12th and Vine.

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  34. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  35. @rantryan, this absolutely was a hipster list. Some of these are fine, but very few of them are amusing and as a native Cincinnatian, i haven't heard of a bunch of them. Nor do I care about the gentification of Price Hill or Walnut Hills.

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  36. I and my husband were born and raised in Cincinnati. We moved to Florida in 2008. After reading this list, I am definitely puzzled by most of the things listed in it. This list sounds like a tourist guide "inside list" to Cincinnati. Not actually representative of "real" Cincinnati.

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    1. Sounds like you're not familiar with Cincinnati post 2008. You should visit some time to see how it has changed.

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  37. I'm born and raised in Cincinnati, grew up in West Chester, Graduated from Moeller and UC, lived in Price Hill, Clifton, Delhi and Norwood. Yet I can't identify with 90% of this list. You'd probably need to be on the board of CRC to feel 100% cincy from a list like this. or a writer for metromix/cin weekly/cincinnati.com things to do whatever it's called this month. There were definitely things that were a little off in the buzzfeed list, because not everybody is the same, but most Cincinnati natives will identify strongly with it. Dee makes a good point that your list 'sounds' like a tourists guide, but really this list is more like "Here's 31 things that even though you're from Cincinnati you maybe haven't checked out yet and they're totally great"

    at which point, the people who can say they do identify with all of these things can say they are Cincy elite, which unfortunately still comes off as unintentionally pretentious rather than proud.

    Regardless, being CincyWhimsy I'm sure this was meant more as an advertisement so I don't take offense.

    Except to the slighting of Skyline and Greater's. No matter where in the world you go, mom and pop establishments are quaint and charming, but nothing beats Skyline and Greater's.

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    1. What about LaRosa's?

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    2. The fact that you mention Metromix and CinWeekly, both of which have been defunct for quite a while, kind of hurts your argument. Yeah, Paige's list is more relevant that the Buzzfeed list, because, seriously, why do people care about Buzzfeed anyway? They're a bunch of snarky fucks who are so lazy that they just throw out "lists". It takes no talent at all. I could fart out a list of 31 anythings in about 10 minutes.

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  38. Relax haters. This is a great list!

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  39. While the Buzfeed article had the explicit racism of avoiding OTR, this one has the implicit racism of gentrification.

    And why not just call this what it is - 31 Ways to Tell You're a Hipster Living in Cincinnati.

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  40. The original buzzfeed list was hilarious and I don't think was meant to be offensive...lighten up kids.

    I feel like anytime I read updates on my hometown, it's restaurants and breweries. Okay, okay I get it. You can eat and drink til your heart's content (at some trendy OTR culinary interpretation of what the coastal cities were doing years ago)...but anything aside from that? The arts? Nightlife?

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    1. If you don't know anything about the arts or nightlife here, outside of OTR even, then yo're not paying attention. Downtown doesn't shut down at 6 pm anymore. Come back.

      Also, Buzzfeed is never hilarious, it's lazy.

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  41. Definitely a post written from the point of view of a specific demographic. Maybe it's because I live closer to downtown and never have money to go out.

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  42. This list has made me realize (that real lies within me) that I belong in San Diego.

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  43. FYI, re - #21, i'm from cincinnati, i live in nyc and i will never move back. additionally, nothing beats skyline chili or greater's but luckily i can have those shipped to me.

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    1. Please learn how to spell Graeter's!

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  44. I can't tell what's worse; this or the buzzfeed one

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  45. I think I've seen this brochure.

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  46. 1 Way To Tell You're NOT From Cincinnati

    1. You wrote this article.

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    1. ???

      What a strange comment.

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  47. This article is strongly put together and has all the makings of a solid article... for about 5% of a city with the population over 200,000 residents. Having grown up and lived in the city of Cincinnati my entire life, I have to clearly say that this is not an accurate description of the WHOLE city. If I were reading this and happened to be from another city, I would get the impression that the only things to do in Cincinnati were to go to trendy international restaurants or microbreweries; and/or go to music festivals. Sure the Buzzfeed article may not have been a favorite, but to call this an accurate description of anyone's activities and/or favorite things to do in this city is ridiculously inaccurate. For lack of a better word, this list comes off as "hipster" and irrelevant to anyone from Cincinnati whose mind wanders beyond sipping IPA's or coffee in a lounge or listening to the latest underground band.

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  48. I would argue that the article on BuzzFeed is a more cohesive and relatable. BuzzFeed articles are writtenfor simple and funny reading. There is no need to bash on that article because of your own one sided brain

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  49. What a wonderful list! It makes me miss Cincinnati so much. As for all the bizarre hateful comments about this fun, insightful list, I'll just refer to this youtube video:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7IJyRAUxtAQ
    :) Stay beautiful, Cinci!

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  50. theres good parts and bad parts in both. they need to be combined and condensed. yes the buzzfeed one is outdated but some still hold true. and this one is definitely written by a biased party and seems a lil too political but still has some fresher material and funny points as well.

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  51. Of the 31 items on the Buzzfeed list there were only 3 I couldn't identify with on some level, on yours there were only 4 I could remotely understand. As a Cincinnati native this list is a pretty lame representation of the city...

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